From Sea To Shining Sea

Austin to San Francisco

Question: What is the most overused word/phrase in the vocabulary of America, do you think? Lawsuit? Big Mac? Are you from Germany, sonny? No, the most overused word in the vocabulary of America is 'AWESOME'. Now awesome is a great word but it's used all the time here for things that clearly aren't. Such as...

Girl 1: "I was... like... shopping the other day and it was SO.... like.... crowded. I had to reverse my car to....like... park it!
Girl 2: "You REVERSED your car to park it? That is...like.... SO AWESOME!!!!!"

I'm sorry, but this just won't do. If you're going to use the word, find an appropriate subject matter. Last week, I visited/passed through five of the greatest National Parks between Texas and California. Now THOSE were f#cking AWESOME!!!

One thing I swore I wouldn't do during this trip would be to take any internal flights. I always thought I'd want to hitch, drive or take a bus or train to see as much of the country as possible. Mind you, I also swore that I'd lose two stones (28 pounds for you Americans) and give up smoking during the trip and that hasn't quite happened yet!

After a fantastic last few days in Austin which included seven rounds of golf, boating on the lake and lots of drinking and eating, I just couldn't face the prospect of trying to drive from Texas to California in four days. So I cut out 1,200 miles and flew to Las Vegas instead. Picked up a rental car (or jeep to be more accurate) and set off on a whistle stop tour of the deserts and mountains. A big landscape needs a big soundtrack and I know it's obvious but there's nothing better than "The Joshua Tree" by U2 to give the dramatic miles some suitable dressing. As a quick aside, here's my top five cd's acquired on this trip.

1. "Trouble No More" by John Mellencamp. Greatest living American rocker puts his own spin on some traditional US songs.
2. "Smile" by Lyle Lovett. Austin's finest (and Julia Roberts' ex) with a collection of songs he's recorded for movie soundtracks over the years.
3. "Hootie & The Blowfish" by.. eh... Hootie & The Blowfish. First band I ever heard on American radio eight years ago and still going strong.
4. "Breakfast In America" by Supertramp. Finger right on the musical pulse with this one!!!
5. "Born To Run" by Bruce Springsteen. No road trip would be complete without it.

First up in the desert then was Zion National Park in southern Utah. Zion Valley was named by the early Mormon settlers (Osmonds?) from the Hebrew word "Zion" meaning "a place of refuge or sanctuary". Good thing their vocabulary wasn't as colourful as some of my fellow tourists or it would have ended up being named Holy Shit, That's F#cking Awesome Valley. Nice use of the adjective though! I don't linger at Zion because I really want to get to Monument Valley by sunset.

Monument Valley straddles the Utah/Arizona border and has been the backdrop for many wild west movies, primarily featuring John Wayne. I have very high expectations of this place but they are exceeded ten fold! Huge, red, sandstone... eh... monuments rise over 1,000 feet from the desert floor and I sit there for two hours watching the sun go down while listening to the local Navajo residents playing the theme to The Good, The Bad & The Ugly on their musical pipes. No, really! My Rough Guide says that "the majesty of the place will take your breath away" and frankly, it does.

After I leave the valley I do quite a bit more driving at night because I'm aiming to be at The Grand Canyon by sunrise. This means sleeping in the back of my jeep for a few hours in the desert which sounds a lot more rugged and Indiana Jones like than it actually was. A few years ago, I took a two hour flight over the Grand Canyon which pales in comparison to actually being there when the sun comes up. There's only a handful of tourists around and everyone is very quiet and reverent as the vastness of the canyon is revealed by the ever changing colours of the sunrise. Absolutely stunning!

Drive the rest of that day back to Las Vegas for a one night overnight stop. Las Vegas is hot... damn hot! It's also much busier than the last time I was here but apart from the gamblers, most people seem to just wander about aimlessly gazing up at the outlandishly themed resort hotels. There's every type of person from every walk of life and I'm pleased to note that most of the residents of Mullett, Michigan are in town, no doubt attending an international hair convention! By the way, in case you think that the Mullet has been forever cast back into the deep, dark chasm of the 80's, think again!!! (www.mulletlovers.com, www.ratemymullet.com, www.mulletjunky.com)

Last Friday morning, I left Las Vegas around 9.00 to drive to San Francisco. I'm aiming to be there by 8.00pm that night to have dinner with old high school friend Irené and her husband Graeme but as soon as I turn into Death Valley National Park, I know I'm not going to make it! Death Valley just drops from the landscape as if some giant has stamped violently on the mountains. There's nobody there except the wee, old woman at the Visitor's Centre who's obviously pleased to see somebody come through her door and she launches immediately into her speech.

"Death Valley is THE hottest place on earth which makes it THE most inhospitable place on earth, sonny!"

"Eh?" I reply eloquently. "Have ye no been in The Burns Bar in Falkirk when The Signals are playing? Now THAT's hot!!!"

As my solitary laughter echoes and fades across the tumbleweed strewn valley, she looks at me with a curious mixture of confusion, sympathy and hate. I hastily get back in the jeep before she can call up her, no doubt, gun-wielding grandsons on the CB radio. My Rough Guide says that the ground in Death Valley can often reach boiling point so a few miles further on, I decide to test this theory. Sure enough, the remnants of the previous night's Budweisers are soon hissing and steaming on the desert floor!

The elevation changes to get in and out of, not one, but two deathly valleys are dramatic and sudden. My ears are popping more frequently than a Las Vegas stripper's bra clasp (so I'm told) and the jeep's temperature fluctuates violently despite me acknowledging the signs to turn off the air conditioning. Eventually I emerge hot, sweaty and relieved and continue on to Yosemite National Park.

Yosemite is just gorgeous. Mountains, trees, valleys, waterfalls, canyons - it's got everything. I drive through it all in two and a half hours and feel like I've offended someone for doing so. This is a place you need to come to for a while and just linger so one day I'll be back.

So, here I am now in San Francisco, most laid back city of them all. I did a lot of the touristy things the last time I was here so this time, I'm enjoying just wandering about the different neighbourhoods, visiting various coffee & alcohol shops and sitting on the dock of the Bay. Went to the Haight Ashbury area the other day to see where the hippies all hung out in the 60's only to find that most of them are still there! They welcomed me warmly as one of their own!

Tomorrow, I'm coming home, I've done my time (as Tony Orlando would say) and I have three flights with two small children and Irené to fill the 19 hours of travelling time. I predict lots of alcohol, bribery and games involved in the journey home and I may even have a drink too. All in all it's been.... oh, what's the word?.... it's on the tip of my tongue.... eh.... that's right, AWESOME!

Adios amigos, Love, Neil x

P.S. By overwhelming popular demand (thank you cousin Pascale) here are some of my top travel tips for the USA. You'll have to buy the book to read the rest!!!

1. Before you leave, pack what you think you need and then put half of it back in the wardrobe. This is America for God's sake and you don't really need that 12th pair of boxers when you can do laundry wherever you go. Remember, you get at least four wearings out of underwear, back to front and inside & out!

2. Mind your language!! Different words mean different things over here so no need to punch a guy out if he says he likes your "fanny pack".

3. Always, always keep an eye on the gas (petrol) gauge! It's no fun in Death Valley wondering whether you really can squeeze an extra 30 miles out of an overheated car when the needle is hovering in the red zone!

4. If you're going to drive in the desert at night, don't listen to any of those cheery Leonard Cohen or Morrissey cd's you brought with you. Find a radio station, ANY radio station! It's amazing how a human voice doing a cheesy commercial or an unexpected but familiar song can stop the desert night messing with your head. For me, it was Phil Collins singing "Two Hearts"! I know, I know but I have to tell you that my toes were a-tappin’.

5. And finally, if a hippy war protester in San Francisco yells at you, "DO YOU HATE BUSH TOO?”, think about your answer very, very carefully!!!

Don't Mess With Texas

Texas

Well, I've been in Austin now for nearly two weeks enjoying the delights of yet another very laidback city and the capital of Texas. It's set in some beautiful, hilly countryside with lakes and golf courses galore, very reminiscent of the best parts of southern Spain but without the Union Jack swimming trunks or any lost and unconscious Celtic fans. To be honest, I haven't really done much except play golf, lie by the pool, swim, eat and drink a lot. Bummer, eh?

I'm only slightly ashamed at my lack of activity though. If I'd been writing up my journal it would have been a bit like that way you used to write diaries when you were young. You know the kind of thing...

Monday: Got up. Went to skool. Came home. Watched Blue Peter. Had tea. Went to bed.
Tuesday: Got up. Went to skool. Came home. Watched Scooby Doo. Had Campbell's meatballs for tea, yummy! (Sometimes you threw in a bit of exotic detail.) Went to bed.

...and so on. Or was that just me?

One think I did do however, was take a little trip down to San Antonio to see what's left of the famous Alamo. Now the phrase 'Don't Mess With Texas' started some years ago as an anti-litter campaign but is used often on t-shirts and bumper stickers as a statement of pride in the state. I was all ready to go down to The Alamo and have a good laugh at how the Mexican army severely "messed with Texas" back in 1836 but ended up being quite moved and impressed by how 189 men held off an army of 5,000 for nearly two weeks. The Alamo is stuck right in the middle of downtown San Antonio and although it was swarming with tourists, the letters to home from men who knew they were going to die removed any thought that this was a cheesy, over patriotic sideshow. What really struck me was how many Europeans, including Scots, were among the Alamo volunteers and it was slightly unsettling to note that a William Sutherland was among the fallen.

Texas reminds me a lot of Scotland. The people are very friendly and funny, although lacking the always attractive pale blueish skin tone of the natives at home, and Texas itself used to be a self governing Republic. The Alamo is their Culloden/Bannockburn/Braveheart all rolled into one minus the dodgy, "I love ye, cobber" Australian accent! You get the impression that Texans are not always happy with being part of a bigger country and would be quite content using their oil and agriculture economy to go it alone. Having said that, they know how to celebrate the 4th of July. Barbeques, parades and 100,000 people watching a massive concert and fireworks display in the local park.

One of the other things I considered doing while in Texas, was making a 400 mile round trip to Dallas to see the place where John F Kennedy was shot. A bit morbid perhaps, but a place of significant national importance in this country. When I mentioned to Keith's girlfriend Kathryn, that I was thinking of doing this she said,

"It's really not worth the journey. Dallas only has girls with big hair, big teeth and big breasts!"

My flight to Dallas the next morning was the earliest available...... no, just kidding. Was content to watch Victoria Principal strutting around Southfork on tv instead.

I'd actually seen Dealey Plaza, the place where Kennedy was shot, during my 24 hour train journey from St. Louis to Austin. The Amtrak station in Dallas is very close to the fateful site, so I got a good view as we pulled away. For you conspiracy theorists who want to see what the alleged lone gunman saw that day, click on to http://www.earthcam.com/jfk.

I can't imagine what 24 hours on a British Rail train must be like (although I'm sure some of you commuters can) but my trip was fairly luxurious. I didn't have a sleeping compartment but the train was a double decker and the seats were big and wide and reclined like the seats in the first class section of a plane (I've seen pictures). They also had a fairly neat dining car in which I imagined I was surrounded by a host of Orient Express murderers. The view could have been better though. Rather than the towering Alps or the French countryside, I had a couple of hundred miles of Arkansas (pronounced 'Arkansaw') swampland to look at.

Not much of a pancakes update to relay this time although I have been savouring the tasty breakfast tacos they have here in Austin. It's a small (yes, small!) omelette looking thing containing whatever ingredients you desire, all wrapped up in a flour tortilla. Wash it down with coffee and a few shots of tequila and you're all set for the day with the breakfast of champions!

Next week, I'm heading west across the deserts of New Mexico, Arizona and California although I'm not quite sure how I'm going to travel yet. I'm sure something will turn up. Before that however, I have six rounds of golf planned over the next four days with Keith and Bob, the guy I stayed with in Detroit, who just flew into town tonight. It's serious stuff with pride, honour, money, beer and perhaps a big shiny trophy at stake. Game on!

Finally, for those of you planning a visit to Disney World sometime in the future, here's something that caught my eye that might be of use. Read in the paper the other day that Christians in South Florida are reacting to the prohibition of prayer in public schools and the proliferation of sex and violence in popular culture by engaging in alternative pursuits such as working out at the newly opened, 'The Lord's Gym'. Bare midriffs and thong leotards are forbidden as are cussing (swearing) and chewing gum (presumably because it's difficult to do both at once) and the walls feature images of Jesus carrying the burden of the cross and Samson breaking free of his chains. I'm curious to find out whether these are workouts than can be re-enacted at The Lord's Gym but the article doesn't say.

Interestingly, there are also alternative Christian theme parks springing up, Lazarus like, including The Holy Land in Orlando. "Red Sea parted ten times a day" and "Buy 5 loaves, get 2 fishes free - it's a bloody miracle!" are how I would attract the non-believers. Anyway, something to think about including in your holiday schedule I'm sure.

Until next time...

Love, Neil x

P.S. Will definitely do Neil's Top Travel Tips For The USA in the next thrilling installment once I've endured the nights in Las Vegas and the days in Death Valley!!!

...Head Out On The Highway

Detroit to Austin

So, there I was in Detroit having played a little golf, drunk a little beer and visited a museum or two. Luckily, the car company had a Toyota that needed to go to Chicago so I booked it up and headed off across Michigan on Thursday 12th June. Had stayed up late the night before so decided to stop at a nice little harbour town, St. Joseph, which looks west over the vast expanse of Lake Michigan. Getting there, I drove through a not so nice little town called Benton Harbour. Two days later, this town went up in flames after a black motorcyclist was killed in a high speed car chase with the police. Riots, looting and the National Guard followed but I was long gone.

The next day, I drove to Chicago but decided to take a slight detour past Olympia Fields where the US Open Golf Championship was being played. Managed to get a ticket from a tout and had a fabulous day wandering the course, giving psychology tips to the pros on the range, drinking beer and heckling Colin Montgomerie! He took it with his usual good grace and dry sense of humour! Stayed there till they kicked me out then went to visit yet another golfing buddy, Brian who stays 35 miles west of Chicago.

Chicago is a very, very cool city with a fantastic public transport system (quite rare over here), splendid architectural skyscrapers (including the second tallest building in the world, Sears Tower), great sporting events, jumping jazz and blues clubs and plenty of quality shopping for all you ladies! Spent a lot of time there just wandering about, soaking up the sun and watching people. Got a little weak at the knees on the Skydeck of Sears Tower, though! Hey, did you know that the Tower contains 43,000 miles of telephone cabling and 25,000 miles of plumbing? No, me neither but I am a more complete person for having that knowledge. I've actually got a couple of other plumbing stories to tell but there's a time and a place....!

While we're talking about facts and figures, here's a few more for you stat lovin' geeks:-

3,030 - No. of miles I've driven to date.
26 - No. of pancakes I've eaten to date. (Not at one sitting!)
37 - No. of Starbucks coffees I've drunk to date.
11 - No. of States I've visited so far on this trip.
39 - No. of States that are left to visit!!!
73 - No. of mosquito bites I collected in Florida. (I was bored one night so counted them!)
159 - No. of times I've had to repeat myself to have my accent understood.
159 - No. of times I've felt like punching someone who doesn't understand my accent.
1,265 - No. of country music radio stations I found driving to St. Louis.
1,266 - No. of evangelical, God-fearing radio stations I found driving to St. Louis.
0 - No. of rap/hip hop radio stations I found driving to St. Louis.

Having bitched and moaned in my first update about not having a pick-up truck in Tennessee and Kentucky, the Chicago office of the car company had one that needed to go to St. Louis. I snapped it up and headed down there on Thursday 19th June but not before enduring a strange encounter at the car collection office. There's a fellow traveller there, the first I've met doing the car driving thing, and he's an old guy with a greasy looking vest and one of those tall fronted baseball caps that only real truckers wear! After chatting for a couple of minutes about places we've been he obviously susses my accent and says, "So sonny, you from Germany?"

I resist the urge to shout "JA" whilst snapping my heels together loudly and instead, correct him politely. Clearly embarrassed at his mistake he changes tack and tells me that he's a born-again Christian and is hoping to travel the world with a like-minded soul.

"Have you asked Christ The Saviour to come in to your heart yet sonny?" he asks expectantly.

"Yeah," I reply with a sigh, "but he never answered my e-mail so... what can you do?"

He pauses for a second, frowning, probably wondering why he doesn't have Christ's e-mail address but then continues relentlessly. "Well, when we die, we're either going to heaven or hell and only those without sin are going to heaven, you know." "Are you without sin, sonny?"

I choke and splutter loudly on my Starbucks coffee and furiously try to recall any murders or international frauds that may have casually slipped my mind. He seems to know what I'm thinking by interjecting, "Don't matter if it was a small lie, cheating on a test or wearing short leather jackets in the 80's - it's ALL sin sonny!" Okay, he didn't really say the leather jackets thing but thankfully at this point, the clerk returned with his paperwork and he headed off out the door with a firm handshake and a cheery, "Take care on God's highway sonny!"

God's highway turns out to be Route 66 to St. Louis although the old, romantic notion of Route 66 seems to have long since disappeared under the concrete of big interstates. Cross the Mississippi into the city and spend a couple of days seeing the sights. It's a close run thing as to which spectacle I enjoyed more - the splendid 600 foot, man made, stainless steel memorial arch, the Gateway to the West or the City Museum displaying the biggest pair of underpants in the world! Any more breakfast buffets and I could be shoehorning myself into them soon!

Despite the invitation from the city to head out west, I travel north on my first greyhound bus trip back into Illinois. I would encourage everyone to find themselves at a greyhound bus station at 7.00am on a Sunday morning to experience the rich diversity of people on this planet, most of whom are at different stages of the evolutionary ladder!!! As I queue for my bus which says "Omaha" on the front in big, black letters the father of a small (almost midget) family of four approaches me and shouts, "HOWDEEEEEE! DO THIS HERE BUS GO T'OMAHA?" Without speaking, I raise my eyebrows in as condescending a manner as possible and point to the sign on the bus. He says thanks and bundles his wee family aboard. I consider swapping my ticket for a one way to... well... anywhere really but they all fall asleep as soon as the bus gets going so it's peaceful enough.

Three hours later, the bus drops me off in a seemingly deserted town called Quincy. My Dad's brother Hamish stays here with his family in the middle of a golf course so safe to say, I haven't wandered far from the homestead this week

So, four weeks gone and four weeks to go. Tomorrow, I'm getting on an Amtrak train and traveling 23 hours to Austin, Texas for some sizzling barbeque action, some rodeo riding, some tobacco-chewin' and even more golf.

Until the next time, happy trails pardners!!

Love, Neil x

In the next thrilling installment...

1. Neil's Top Travel Tips.
2. Pancakes update.
3. Those plumbing stories in full, perhaps.
4. I've seen the fateful car, now I'll visit the grassy knoll in Dallas for a conspiracy/assassination exclusive!

Get Your Motor Runnin'...

Key West to Detroit

Well, I've been over here in the States for two weeks now and am enjoying a heady mixture of heatwaves in the South, thunderstorms in the middle and pretty coolish Scottish summer weather in the North. This in turn is complemented with excellent breakfast buffets in the South, fine sports bar dining in the middle and multiple beer and pizza in the North!

Started off by visiting an old friend, Robin and his family in Key West, Florida. It's a very warm and laid back place (so I fitted right in!) and the sea temperature was so hot that I considered expanding my morning three mile swim to five or six miles! It's a very unique experience driving 100 miles over bridges and thin strips of road to get there and it genuinely feels like the end of the world when you arrive. Stayed there from Thursday through to Monday and enjoyed some bike riding and kayaking with the family as well as making the intimate acquaintance of most of the mosquito population. They can spot the fresh, white meat a mile off!

On the Monday, I drove north to Orlando to drop off my rental (hire) car and picked up a minivan that needed to be delivered to Detroit. I'd found a company on the internet that move vehicles around the States for people who have moved house or jobs and they 'hire' tourists to do the driving so they can see more of the country. I don't get paid for doing it but I only need to pay for the gas (petrol) which is dirt cheap compared to home. Stayed in Orlando on the Monday night and then headed to Detroit on the Tuesday morning, after a mighty helping of pancakes, eggs, sausage, hash browns, coffee, orange juice, wheat toast and a muffin to go!

Driving on the interstates (motorways) in America is a pretty boring experience when the land is flat and featureless. However, once I crossed the state line into Georgia, I turned off and drove through some lovely "Gone With The Wind" country to reach a little college town, Athens. As you know, this is the home of top rock & pop combo REM and I was genuinely amazed not to run into them! The town itself though was lovely, very warm and laid back so guess what, I fitted right in!

Going to Athens, meant that on the Wednesday, I could head north through North Carolina by way of Great Smokey Mountain National Park. For you stat lovers, this is the most visited national park in America with some six million visitors a year. It crosses the Appalachian Mountains and the views from the peaks were breathtaking. The mountains cross into Tennessee and after visiting this state's highest point (6,660 feet, stat lovers), this was quickly followed by what must be its lowest depth on the other side - DOLLYWOOD! Not one, but two theme parks devoted to the worship of country music's finest(!?!) and surrounded by the tackiest strip of motels, eating places and cheesy musical theatres I've ever seen.

I'd planned to stay in Tennessee that night but couldn't get out of the state quick enough. "Let's go to Kentucky instead," I thought, "That'll be nicer!" In truth, the countryside was fine but I felt quite inadequate without any dungarees and a pick up truck containing a scruffy dog and a shotgun. Luckily, I found a motel, double locked my door and avoided any late night banjo-duellin’!

Slipped out of Kentucky early on Thursday morning and headed for Columbus, Ohio. This is another smart looking college town and home of Jack Nicklaus (greatest golfer ever) whose museum I visited on Friday morning. Arrived in Detroit on Friday afternoon, delivered the minivan and met up with a golfing friend, Bob who used to work with my brother Keith. Played three rounds of golf at the weekend, did absolutely nothing on Monday except sleep and visited the Henry Ford museum yesterday, primarily to stare gruesomely at the car in which JFK was shot! Found a bullet lying underneath! More golf today (40 holes!)

So, so far so good although I've no idea yet what my next move will be. Will probably go to Chicago next but then again.... maybe not! Anyway, drop me a line with any news if you get a chance and I'll send more tales from the road soon.

Have a real nice day now!

Love, Neil x

Coming Soon...

... a new blog that used to be an old website which will try and use retrospective dates or, if that doesn't work, won't!