If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

Texas

...yet another Country & Western classic! Hungry for more? Avoid the babbling and scroll to the end.

Okay, lets first of all clear up an issue from last time that sent hundreds of you rushing to your keyboards to respond... okay, it was just a few of you... okay, it was only the one. Susan! You'll be astonished to learn that I did NOT, in fact, appear on the David Letterman show when I was in New York last month. Ha, ha, gotcha! April Fool? Perhaps not.

I'm still in Austin, Texas enjoying all the delights that this very laidback city has to offer. To be honest, I haven't really done much lately except sharpen up my golf game and lie outside on the sun-drenched porch. Bummer, eh?

However, I've managed to reacquaint myself with a pleasure I've been denied during five months of travelling. Watching television. I’m totally confused with what season of "Friends" it is I'm watching although I'm fairly sure I haven't seen "The One With Joey's Sex Change". Has that been on at home?

While we're on the subject of all things surgical, reality television seems to have reached the bottom of its unfeasibly deep barrel but is continuing to dig downwards with a spate of shows featuring ordinary folks going through extraordinary changes.

"Extreme Makeover" does not just offer a pretty new frock or a touch of flattering eyeliner. The nation's top plastic surgeons, eye surgeons and cosmetic dentists are on hand to ensure that the makeover is indeed extreme. "The Swan" takes this premise a step further so that every week, two so-called 'ugly ducklings' are transformed and then a team of judges decide which one will go forward to "the most amazing beauty pageant ever seen" at the end of the series.

Best of all though is "I Want A Famous Face" on MTV. Here, "ordinary" members of the public write in to declare what famous celebrity they would like to resemble and then receive the necessary surgery. Safe to say the results are somewhat dubious. Two, 20 year-old twin brothers from Arizona wanted to pass for Brad Pitt but ended up looking like a patchwork version of Liza Minelli's ex-husband, David whatsisname. If you've seen Gary Oldman in "Hannibal", you'll know what I mean. At least their permanent, fixed smiles hide any disappointment.

If all that wasn't entertaining enough, there're always the non-stop commercials to keep me amused. I love the fact that companies here are allowed to mercilessly slag off the attributes of their competitors whilst telling you about why you should buy their particular product. The possible usages for this strategy seem to be endless.

“Victoria’s Secret? They’re pants! Slip into Thongs R Us for all your lingerie needs.”

Actually, adverts for Victoria's Secret have been very much in the news recently since they now feature anti-big business, "I'll never sell out", 60's protest singer Bob Dylan. I've been watching them avidly (for research purposes, you understand) and it's slightly confusing as to why on earth he's there. There's a mumbling song droning away in the background certainly and he seems to be ambling through Venice wearing a big overcoat with his hands stuffed firmly in the pockets. Every now and again he'll peek round a pillar, stalker-like, as a model comes into shot and then it all just fades away. I'd love to give you a more detailed insight into all their ads that I've taped but the pause button's broke on my video.

With obesity threatening to overtake smoking as the leading cause of lifestyle related death and illness in America it’s not surprising that over 15 million copies of books related to the Atkins diet have been sold here. Never one to miss jumping aboard a crowded bandwagon, food companies now swamp their ads with references to the ‘carb count’ or whether or not their product is ‘Atkins friendly’.

Even beer producers are at pains to stress that their particular “light” beer has 0.02 grams of carbohydrates less than their arch rival. What they fail to mention is the lack of actual taste or flavour in "light” beer. You might as well drink coloured, gassy water.

I’ve been over-indulging quite a bit since I came to the States so I was almost persuaded to research this topic further. Then I came across a story which reported that Dr. Atkins was grossly overweight to the point of being obese at the time of his death earlier this year so I got up and made myself another super-sandwich instead.

The best commercials though are the ones for drugs and pills that don’t actually articulate what it is they help with or cure. They’ll say something like...

“Will you be ready when the time is right? Get back in the game! Ask your doctor if Libidodrill is right for you!”

...and will be accompanied by some suggestive footage of an American footballer throwing a ball through a target hoop some distance away. Because if they actually explained that this was a Viagra-type drug, they’d also have to waste valuable airtime, as some do, telling you about the possible side effects.

“Erections of four hours or more, while rare, should be referred to your doctor without delay.” No sh#t Sherlock!

However, my favourite television event by far happened last week when President George Bush held a live, prime time news conference. It's only the 3rd time he's participated in such a forum since he was "elected" almost four years ago and it was gripping to watch in that tortuous, car crash type of way. I was mightily impressed that he got the names of the journalists correct and you expect politicians to avoid the questions being asked but this was on another scale altogether.

Journalist: "Mr President, what do you think is the biggest mistake you've made since coming to office?"

Bush: "Gee, I really wish I'd known you was gonna ask that." VERY long pause. "I guess there mighta been some..." another long pause combined with a nervous smile and a fixed, glaiket stare "...but nuddin seems to be poppin inna ma head right now. Guess I'm not quick enough to think on ma feet. Next question." Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrggghhh!!!

Anyway, tomorrow I'll be in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina for a week-long golf extravaganza. Now, how many carbs in a Hooters bun, I wonder?

Till next time (which'll probably be the last time), here're some additional Country and Western song titles to mull over - their power overwhelms me at times; it's almost like Confucius or Socrates walk among us once again, innit? Enjoy.

Love, Neil x

1. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
2. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
3. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
4. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
5. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
6. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
7. Please Bypass This Heart
8. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
9. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
10. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
11. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
12. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
13. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
14. I Ain't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woken Up With A Few
15. My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
16. Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You
17. I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
18. I Wish I Were in Dixie Tonight, But She's Out of Town
19. I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
20. I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
21. I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
22. I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
23. I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
24. I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
25. She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
26. She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
27. Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
28. Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
29. When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
30. You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too

I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

New York to Seattle to Austin

...just one of the many great country and western songs that should have been a hit!

So, did you miss me while I was away in the badlands of the USA over the last four weeks? Hmmnn, maybe not. I can't quite believe I've been in the States for nearly a month now and have managed to see both coasts AND drive half way across the country to Texas.

I arrived in New York from Rio at the beginning of March to find that winter still had a fierce grip on this part of the world. It quickly took a fierce grip on me as I realised that flying in just my vest and Speedos wasn't the best travel fashion choice ever.

I'd been to New York a couple of times before (both times in the winter) but that couldn't detract from the exhilaration of being back once again. I stayed for six nights but you could spend a month there and still only scratch the surface of things to do and see. Imagine my excitement though when I discovered that Sting was playing three gigs at a relatively small theatre during the time I was planning to stay. The shows were all advertised as being sold out but I was supremely confident of getting a ticket from somewhere, especially since I'd missed him doing an impromptu show at a hotel in Hong Kong during the first week of this trip. This time there would be no hiccups!

New York is the best walking city in the world, I think. Around every corner lies some iconic landmark, whether it's the famous skyscrapers, the Fifth Avenue department stores or the neon lights of Times Square. For me though, it's all the smaller, simpler nuances that makes it so appealing and real; the steam leaking out of the pavements from the subway, the yellow taxi cabs, the hot dog sellers, the madness of trying to order a lunchtime sandwich in a deli (now THAT'S pressure), strolling through Central Park on a weekday when it's quiet and deserted or just encountering some normal guy walking along singing Frank Sinatra tunes loudly to himself and everyone else. I really saw that happen and no, it wasn't me.

Before arriving, I was fascinated to find out whether America would embrace the backpacking community in the same way that the rest of the world does so easily. On a hostels website, I found a very attractive looking place situated in a historical brownstone building on the Upper West Side, just two blocks from Central Park. See, just saying a sentence like that makes you feel like you should be in the middle of a Woody Allen movie or fighting crime on NYPD Blue.

The only problem with the hostel though was the fact that it's the International Student Centre and they have a MAXIMUM age limit of 30! I'd lost a bit of weight in South America and I considered lying and saying I was a (very) mature student but the lines and bags around my eyes would have given me away in a second. Thankfully, a begging e-mail got me through the door. Where else in New York can you stay for twenty bucks a night!

I was keen to see some of the sights I hadn't seen before so was very pleased when Helen flew over to join me for a few days and agreed that shoe shopping would not be on the agenda. We took a trip to Ellis Island, a fascinating place located close to the Statue of Liberty, which has been turned into a museum showing what immigrants had to go through when arriving in America during the first half of the last century.

We also saw a fantastic Broadway show, "Moving Out" featuring the songs of Billy Joel and gained some intriguing cultural insights about the city during an evening at a comedy club. For example, there's a popular chain of restaurants in America called "Hooters" (isn't there Bruce?), famous for it's scantily clad waitresses who all have big... eh.... well, take a wild guess. Anyway, apparently Hooters now do Take Out food - who the hell is that for? Can you picture a potential customer thinking, "Yeah, I really love the sh#tty fried food but I don't care much for the service"? No, me neither.

Despite the mainly freezing weather, New York was a delight. It's big, bustling, safe and easy to get around and judging by the number of British accents in evidence, has become a real Mecca for those looking for a reasonably inexpensive long weekend break. Must come back and see it in the sunshine sometime though.

When I originally booked my round the world ticket, I had a romantic notion that I'd just be handed a bunch of airline tickets and I'd make up my itinerary as I went along. Unfortunately, I had to identify all my destinations at the outset, which was a bit of a problem because having been to the States last year, I had no real plan as to what to do or where to go this year.

"So after New York, where next?" said the nice girl in Trailfinders in Sauchiehall Street last October. I scanned the map on her desk aimlessly and just pointed to the other coast. "Might as well go to Seattle; never been there before."

Everyone told me that Seattle gets the highest rainfall in America and that I would definitely get wet but it ended up being five days of unbroken sunshine. The biggest city in the evergreen state of Washington was just gorgeous... however, my hostel, the interestingly named 'Green Tortoise', was not.

Despite being smack in the centre of downtown Seattle, it wasn't in the most pleasant of areas. The local needle exchange was right next door and just a block down the street at the Lusty Lady cinema, Tolkien fans could enjoy "The Return Of The Schwing". Have to say that I thought the plot in the book was a lot better - nice scenery though!

The city itself is a curious mixture of Conservative affluence, liberal minded rock and roll culture and some quite stark poverty. I'd never seen so many homeless people begging in the streets of any other Western city. It's the home of Microsoft and mega airline builder Boeing and you get the feeling that it's striving to be like San Francisco but just can't loosen up enough. However, it does have the most coffee shops I've ever seen and it's the home of Starbucks so I felt like I'd finally found the mother ship and I gorged the stuff copiously... and nearly made myself sick!

Seattle is surrounded by some dazzling scenery including mountainous Olympic National Park across the bay to the west, active, snow capped volcanoes to the south and the beautiful Cascade Mountains to the east. If you ever watched "Twin Peaks" or "Northern Exposure" (two of my all time favourite shows) back in the early 90's then this is where they were filmed and it was a big thrill to be able to visit a couple of the actual locations.

The one striking landmark in Seattle is the Space Needle, a sort of needle-shaped tower with a space ship shaped restaurant thingy on the top. It took centre stage at the 1962 World's Fair and to get to it, you take a thrilling 90-second ride on a monorail from downtown which is really quite something... if you're making the ride in 1962! Now it's just quaint.

Luckily nearby is the Experience Music Project a marvellous museum showing excellent exhibitions of The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix and Bruce Springsteen among others, and displaying memorabilia from the last fifty plus years of popular music. There's even a whole floor of interactive instruments where you can batter drums or unleash some face-melting guitar solos to your heart's content. You can even turn the bass up to 11 Donald! Disappointingly, it was packed with hundreds of pesky, would-be Kurt Cobains so I didn't get a shot, the wee b#stards!

I didn't have a flight booked out of Seattle and my next destination was over 2,000 miles away in Austin, Texas where Keith lives. I decided I would try and drive there using the same driveaway company I discovered last summer. Basically, they're a company who transport cars around the country for people who have moved house and they're always looking for prospective drivers to deliver the vehicles. It's rare that they actually have a car available for the exact place you want to go but the Seattle office had one that needed to go to Phoenix in Arizona so I snapped it up right away.

Accompanying me again was my friend Meredith who was along to make up for her woeful lack of driving support in New Zealand but in truth, it was great to sit back in the passenger seat at times and soak up all the road trip Americana that the journey had to offer. Titanic, 18 wheel trucks thundering by, tumbleweeds tumbling, roadrunners running, skunk smells wafting, motel signs flashing, all very Thelma & Louise.

Our route took us southeast from Seattle through the Cascade Mountains and then the barren fields of east Washington, Oregon and Idaho. Crossing south into Utah, the landscape picked up again and the views close to Salt Lake City were splendid with the mountains on one side and the... eh... Great Salt Lake on the other.

I was keen to stop for a meal here to see if I could see any Mormon men dining with one, or preferably all of their wives. There's a great debate raging at the moment around the issue of same sex marriages and George Bush is pushing for the Constitution to be amended to define marriage as the union of "a man and a woman". Where that leaves the Mormons, I don't know but it would be amusing if some two million of the Republican votes disappeared because the marriages here were declared illegal.

Anyway, enough politics. Utah's big appeal is that it contains some of the best National Parks in the country. I'd been to Zion in the south last summer so this time I went to Arches in the east, a great sprawl of rocks and cliffs that have been eroded by the elements over the centuries to form huge, natural stone archways.

Very impressive. South from there, I got to revisit my favourite National Park, Monument Valley, again arriving at sunset and it was every bit as awesome as last year. Didn't have time though to stay over for the "traditional Navajo St. Patrick's day dance"! And you thought he was Irish!

After driving 1,589 miles of the 1,590 mile trip I narrowly avoided wrecking the car at one of the stupid four-way intersections they have everywhere here and managed to deliver it safely round the corner in one piece whilst fighting to conceal my quivering, after-shock limbs.

From Phoenix, we rented a jeep for the two-day, 1,000 mile trip to Austin. Driving almost directly east on one, endless straight road is a surreal experience. I finally worked out how to operate the cruise control but was a bit let down when I was told that this meant I couldn't then just crawl into the back seat for a snooze and let the car cruise along by itself. I don't see why not. It's not like there're any bends in the road. Actually there were one or two bends in the road and it became the source of frenzied excitement when I realised that I would get to move my arms slightly left or slightly right.

On the way, we stopped in at Carlsbad Caverns National Park in the bottom corner of New Mexico. My admiration for the people who first crossed this country in horse drawn wagons grew by the minute because how this place was discovered is beyond me. It's hundreds of miles from anywhere. How on earth did the pioneers survive without diners and tacky souvenir stores selling stripper shot glasses and 'real' rattlesnake jawbones?

The caverns were deep and dark and a bit spooky with thousands of bats sleeping close by in the imaginatively named 'Bat Cave'. The huge stalactites and stalagmites are striking though, subtly lit and mutli-coloured.

Finally, we rolled into Austin, groovy state capital of Texas and for the last week or so I've been doing pretty much nothing but playing golf, putting back on all the weight I lost in the last four months and then playing some more golf. Long may it continue.

And finally, did I get a ticket to see Sting in New York? Well, yes I did. Paid an embarrassing amount of money to a large, African/American gentleman outside the venue and ran excitedly to the theatre door only to be turned away because the ticket was fake. I guess Sting and me are just not meant to be. By way of consolation, I did appear in front of millions of people a few nights later on David Letterman's Late Show when he picked me out of the audience to take part in his weekly quiz so I suppose that made up for it!

Anyway, now that I'm in Texas, I've turned to the sweet, poignant comfort of country music so here in full are the rest of those classic tunes that should have been hits.

Till next time (whenever that may be), have a real nice day now y'all.

Love, Neil x

1. Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
2. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
3. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
4. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
5. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
6. How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
7. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
8. I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
9. I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
10. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
11. I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
12. If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
13. If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
14. Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
15. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
16. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
17. Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
18. You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
19. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
20. I Want A Beer As Cold As My Lover's Heart