If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

Texas

...yet another Country & Western classic! Hungry for more? Avoid the babbling and scroll to the end.

Okay, lets first of all clear up an issue from last time that sent hundreds of you rushing to your keyboards to respond... okay, it was just a few of you... okay, it was only the one. Susan! You'll be astonished to learn that I did NOT, in fact, appear on the David Letterman show when I was in New York last month. Ha, ha, gotcha! April Fool? Perhaps not.

I'm still in Austin, Texas enjoying all the delights that this very laidback city has to offer. To be honest, I haven't really done much lately except sharpen up my golf game and lie outside on the sun-drenched porch. Bummer, eh?

However, I've managed to reacquaint myself with a pleasure I've been denied during five months of travelling. Watching television. I’m totally confused with what season of "Friends" it is I'm watching although I'm fairly sure I haven't seen "The One With Joey's Sex Change". Has that been on at home?

While we're on the subject of all things surgical, reality television seems to have reached the bottom of its unfeasibly deep barrel but is continuing to dig downwards with a spate of shows featuring ordinary folks going through extraordinary changes.

"Extreme Makeover" does not just offer a pretty new frock or a touch of flattering eyeliner. The nation's top plastic surgeons, eye surgeons and cosmetic dentists are on hand to ensure that the makeover is indeed extreme. "The Swan" takes this premise a step further so that every week, two so-called 'ugly ducklings' are transformed and then a team of judges decide which one will go forward to "the most amazing beauty pageant ever seen" at the end of the series.

Best of all though is "I Want A Famous Face" on MTV. Here, "ordinary" members of the public write in to declare what famous celebrity they would like to resemble and then receive the necessary surgery. Safe to say the results are somewhat dubious. Two, 20 year-old twin brothers from Arizona wanted to pass for Brad Pitt but ended up looking like a patchwork version of Liza Minelli's ex-husband, David whatsisname. If you've seen Gary Oldman in "Hannibal", you'll know what I mean. At least their permanent, fixed smiles hide any disappointment.

If all that wasn't entertaining enough, there're always the non-stop commercials to keep me amused. I love the fact that companies here are allowed to mercilessly slag off the attributes of their competitors whilst telling you about why you should buy their particular product. The possible usages for this strategy seem to be endless.

“Victoria’s Secret? They’re pants! Slip into Thongs R Us for all your lingerie needs.”

Actually, adverts for Victoria's Secret have been very much in the news recently since they now feature anti-big business, "I'll never sell out", 60's protest singer Bob Dylan. I've been watching them avidly (for research purposes, you understand) and it's slightly confusing as to why on earth he's there. There's a mumbling song droning away in the background certainly and he seems to be ambling through Venice wearing a big overcoat with his hands stuffed firmly in the pockets. Every now and again he'll peek round a pillar, stalker-like, as a model comes into shot and then it all just fades away. I'd love to give you a more detailed insight into all their ads that I've taped but the pause button's broke on my video.

With obesity threatening to overtake smoking as the leading cause of lifestyle related death and illness in America it’s not surprising that over 15 million copies of books related to the Atkins diet have been sold here. Never one to miss jumping aboard a crowded bandwagon, food companies now swamp their ads with references to the ‘carb count’ or whether or not their product is ‘Atkins friendly’.

Even beer producers are at pains to stress that their particular “light” beer has 0.02 grams of carbohydrates less than their arch rival. What they fail to mention is the lack of actual taste or flavour in "light” beer. You might as well drink coloured, gassy water.

I’ve been over-indulging quite a bit since I came to the States so I was almost persuaded to research this topic further. Then I came across a story which reported that Dr. Atkins was grossly overweight to the point of being obese at the time of his death earlier this year so I got up and made myself another super-sandwich instead.

The best commercials though are the ones for drugs and pills that don’t actually articulate what it is they help with or cure. They’ll say something like...

“Will you be ready when the time is right? Get back in the game! Ask your doctor if Libidodrill is right for you!”

...and will be accompanied by some suggestive footage of an American footballer throwing a ball through a target hoop some distance away. Because if they actually explained that this was a Viagra-type drug, they’d also have to waste valuable airtime, as some do, telling you about the possible side effects.

“Erections of four hours or more, while rare, should be referred to your doctor without delay.” No sh#t Sherlock!

However, my favourite television event by far happened last week when President George Bush held a live, prime time news conference. It's only the 3rd time he's participated in such a forum since he was "elected" almost four years ago and it was gripping to watch in that tortuous, car crash type of way. I was mightily impressed that he got the names of the journalists correct and you expect politicians to avoid the questions being asked but this was on another scale altogether.

Journalist: "Mr President, what do you think is the biggest mistake you've made since coming to office?"

Bush: "Gee, I really wish I'd known you was gonna ask that." VERY long pause. "I guess there mighta been some..." another long pause combined with a nervous smile and a fixed, glaiket stare "...but nuddin seems to be poppin inna ma head right now. Guess I'm not quick enough to think on ma feet. Next question." Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrggghhh!!!

Anyway, tomorrow I'll be in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina for a week-long golf extravaganza. Now, how many carbs in a Hooters bun, I wonder?

Till next time (which'll probably be the last time), here're some additional Country and Western song titles to mull over - their power overwhelms me at times; it's almost like Confucius or Socrates walk among us once again, innit? Enjoy.

Love, Neil x

1. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
2. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
3. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
4. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
5. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
6. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
7. Please Bypass This Heart
8. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
9. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
10. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
11. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
12. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
13. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
14. I Ain't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woken Up With A Few
15. My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
16. Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You
17. I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
18. I Wish I Were in Dixie Tonight, But She's Out of Town
19. I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
20. I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
21. I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
22. I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
23. I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
24. I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
25. She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
26. She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
27. Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
28. Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
29. When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
30. You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too