From Sea To Shining Sea

Austin to San Francisco

Question: What is the most overused word/phrase in the vocabulary of America, do you think? Lawsuit? Big Mac? Are you from Germany, sonny? No, the most overused word in the vocabulary of America is 'AWESOME'. Now awesome is a great word but it's used all the time here for things that clearly aren't. Such as...

Girl 1: "I was... like... shopping the other day and it was SO.... like.... crowded. I had to reverse my car to....like... park it!
Girl 2: "You REVERSED your car to park it? That is...like.... SO AWESOME!!!!!"

I'm sorry, but this just won't do. If you're going to use the word, find an appropriate subject matter. Last week, I visited/passed through five of the greatest National Parks between Texas and California. Now THOSE were f#cking AWESOME!!!

One thing I swore I wouldn't do during this trip would be to take any internal flights. I always thought I'd want to hitch, drive or take a bus or train to see as much of the country as possible. Mind you, I also swore that I'd lose two stones (28 pounds for you Americans) and give up smoking during the trip and that hasn't quite happened yet!

After a fantastic last few days in Austin which included seven rounds of golf, boating on the lake and lots of drinking and eating, I just couldn't face the prospect of trying to drive from Texas to California in four days. So I cut out 1,200 miles and flew to Las Vegas instead. Picked up a rental car (or jeep to be more accurate) and set off on a whistle stop tour of the deserts and mountains. A big landscape needs a big soundtrack and I know it's obvious but there's nothing better than "The Joshua Tree" by U2 to give the dramatic miles some suitable dressing. As a quick aside, here's my top five cd's acquired on this trip.

1. "Trouble No More" by John Mellencamp. Greatest living American rocker puts his own spin on some traditional US songs.
2. "Smile" by Lyle Lovett. Austin's finest (and Julia Roberts' ex) with a collection of songs he's recorded for movie soundtracks over the years.
3. "Hootie & The Blowfish" by.. eh... Hootie & The Blowfish. First band I ever heard on American radio eight years ago and still going strong.
4. "Breakfast In America" by Supertramp. Finger right on the musical pulse with this one!!!
5. "Born To Run" by Bruce Springsteen. No road trip would be complete without it.

First up in the desert then was Zion National Park in southern Utah. Zion Valley was named by the early Mormon settlers (Osmonds?) from the Hebrew word "Zion" meaning "a place of refuge or sanctuary". Good thing their vocabulary wasn't as colourful as some of my fellow tourists or it would have ended up being named Holy Shit, That's F#cking Awesome Valley. Nice use of the adjective though! I don't linger at Zion because I really want to get to Monument Valley by sunset.

Monument Valley straddles the Utah/Arizona border and has been the backdrop for many wild west movies, primarily featuring John Wayne. I have very high expectations of this place but they are exceeded ten fold! Huge, red, sandstone... eh... monuments rise over 1,000 feet from the desert floor and I sit there for two hours watching the sun go down while listening to the local Navajo residents playing the theme to The Good, The Bad & The Ugly on their musical pipes. No, really! My Rough Guide says that "the majesty of the place will take your breath away" and frankly, it does.

After I leave the valley I do quite a bit more driving at night because I'm aiming to be at The Grand Canyon by sunrise. This means sleeping in the back of my jeep for a few hours in the desert which sounds a lot more rugged and Indiana Jones like than it actually was. A few years ago, I took a two hour flight over the Grand Canyon which pales in comparison to actually being there when the sun comes up. There's only a handful of tourists around and everyone is very quiet and reverent as the vastness of the canyon is revealed by the ever changing colours of the sunrise. Absolutely stunning!

Drive the rest of that day back to Las Vegas for a one night overnight stop. Las Vegas is hot... damn hot! It's also much busier than the last time I was here but apart from the gamblers, most people seem to just wander about aimlessly gazing up at the outlandishly themed resort hotels. There's every type of person from every walk of life and I'm pleased to note that most of the residents of Mullett, Michigan are in town, no doubt attending an international hair convention! By the way, in case you think that the Mullet has been forever cast back into the deep, dark chasm of the 80's, think again!!! (www.mulletlovers.com, www.ratemymullet.com, www.mulletjunky.com)

Last Friday morning, I left Las Vegas around 9.00 to drive to San Francisco. I'm aiming to be there by 8.00pm that night to have dinner with old high school friend Irené and her husband Graeme but as soon as I turn into Death Valley National Park, I know I'm not going to make it! Death Valley just drops from the landscape as if some giant has stamped violently on the mountains. There's nobody there except the wee, old woman at the Visitor's Centre who's obviously pleased to see somebody come through her door and she launches immediately into her speech.

"Death Valley is THE hottest place on earth which makes it THE most inhospitable place on earth, sonny!"

"Eh?" I reply eloquently. "Have ye no been in The Burns Bar in Falkirk when The Signals are playing? Now THAT's hot!!!"

As my solitary laughter echoes and fades across the tumbleweed strewn valley, she looks at me with a curious mixture of confusion, sympathy and hate. I hastily get back in the jeep before she can call up her, no doubt, gun-wielding grandsons on the CB radio. My Rough Guide says that the ground in Death Valley can often reach boiling point so a few miles further on, I decide to test this theory. Sure enough, the remnants of the previous night's Budweisers are soon hissing and steaming on the desert floor!

The elevation changes to get in and out of, not one, but two deathly valleys are dramatic and sudden. My ears are popping more frequently than a Las Vegas stripper's bra clasp (so I'm told) and the jeep's temperature fluctuates violently despite me acknowledging the signs to turn off the air conditioning. Eventually I emerge hot, sweaty and relieved and continue on to Yosemite National Park.

Yosemite is just gorgeous. Mountains, trees, valleys, waterfalls, canyons - it's got everything. I drive through it all in two and a half hours and feel like I've offended someone for doing so. This is a place you need to come to for a while and just linger so one day I'll be back.

So, here I am now in San Francisco, most laid back city of them all. I did a lot of the touristy things the last time I was here so this time, I'm enjoying just wandering about the different neighbourhoods, visiting various coffee & alcohol shops and sitting on the dock of the Bay. Went to the Haight Ashbury area the other day to see where the hippies all hung out in the 60's only to find that most of them are still there! They welcomed me warmly as one of their own!

Tomorrow, I'm coming home, I've done my time (as Tony Orlando would say) and I have three flights with two small children and Irené to fill the 19 hours of travelling time. I predict lots of alcohol, bribery and games involved in the journey home and I may even have a drink too. All in all it's been.... oh, what's the word?.... it's on the tip of my tongue.... eh.... that's right, AWESOME!

Adios amigos, Love, Neil x

P.S. By overwhelming popular demand (thank you cousin Pascale) here are some of my top travel tips for the USA. You'll have to buy the book to read the rest!!!

1. Before you leave, pack what you think you need and then put half of it back in the wardrobe. This is America for God's sake and you don't really need that 12th pair of boxers when you can do laundry wherever you go. Remember, you get at least four wearings out of underwear, back to front and inside & out!

2. Mind your language!! Different words mean different things over here so no need to punch a guy out if he says he likes your "fanny pack".

3. Always, always keep an eye on the gas (petrol) gauge! It's no fun in Death Valley wondering whether you really can squeeze an extra 30 miles out of an overheated car when the needle is hovering in the red zone!

4. If you're going to drive in the desert at night, don't listen to any of those cheery Leonard Cohen or Morrissey cd's you brought with you. Find a radio station, ANY radio station! It's amazing how a human voice doing a cheesy commercial or an unexpected but familiar song can stop the desert night messing with your head. For me, it was Phil Collins singing "Two Hearts"! I know, I know but I have to tell you that my toes were a-tappin’.

5. And finally, if a hippy war protester in San Francisco yells at you, "DO YOU HATE BUSH TOO?”, think about your answer very, very carefully!!!

Don't Mess With Texas

Texas

Well, I've been in Austin now for nearly two weeks enjoying the delights of yet another very laidback city and the capital of Texas. It's set in some beautiful, hilly countryside with lakes and golf courses galore, very reminiscent of the best parts of southern Spain but without the Union Jack swimming trunks or any lost and unconscious Celtic fans. To be honest, I haven't really done much except play golf, lie by the pool, swim, eat and drink a lot. Bummer, eh?

I'm only slightly ashamed at my lack of activity though. If I'd been writing up my journal it would have been a bit like that way you used to write diaries when you were young. You know the kind of thing...

Monday: Got up. Went to skool. Came home. Watched Blue Peter. Had tea. Went to bed.
Tuesday: Got up. Went to skool. Came home. Watched Scooby Doo. Had Campbell's meatballs for tea, yummy! (Sometimes you threw in a bit of exotic detail.) Went to bed.

...and so on. Or was that just me?

One think I did do however, was take a little trip down to San Antonio to see what's left of the famous Alamo. Now the phrase 'Don't Mess With Texas' started some years ago as an anti-litter campaign but is used often on t-shirts and bumper stickers as a statement of pride in the state. I was all ready to go down to The Alamo and have a good laugh at how the Mexican army severely "messed with Texas" back in 1836 but ended up being quite moved and impressed by how 189 men held off an army of 5,000 for nearly two weeks. The Alamo is stuck right in the middle of downtown San Antonio and although it was swarming with tourists, the letters to home from men who knew they were going to die removed any thought that this was a cheesy, over patriotic sideshow. What really struck me was how many Europeans, including Scots, were among the Alamo volunteers and it was slightly unsettling to note that a William Sutherland was among the fallen.

Texas reminds me a lot of Scotland. The people are very friendly and funny, although lacking the always attractive pale blueish skin tone of the natives at home, and Texas itself used to be a self governing Republic. The Alamo is their Culloden/Bannockburn/Braveheart all rolled into one minus the dodgy, "I love ye, cobber" Australian accent! You get the impression that Texans are not always happy with being part of a bigger country and would be quite content using their oil and agriculture economy to go it alone. Having said that, they know how to celebrate the 4th of July. Barbeques, parades and 100,000 people watching a massive concert and fireworks display in the local park.

One of the other things I considered doing while in Texas, was making a 400 mile round trip to Dallas to see the place where John F Kennedy was shot. A bit morbid perhaps, but a place of significant national importance in this country. When I mentioned to Keith's girlfriend Kathryn, that I was thinking of doing this she said,

"It's really not worth the journey. Dallas only has girls with big hair, big teeth and big breasts!"

My flight to Dallas the next morning was the earliest available...... no, just kidding. Was content to watch Victoria Principal strutting around Southfork on tv instead.

I'd actually seen Dealey Plaza, the place where Kennedy was shot, during my 24 hour train journey from St. Louis to Austin. The Amtrak station in Dallas is very close to the fateful site, so I got a good view as we pulled away. For you conspiracy theorists who want to see what the alleged lone gunman saw that day, click on to http://www.earthcam.com/jfk.

I can't imagine what 24 hours on a British Rail train must be like (although I'm sure some of you commuters can) but my trip was fairly luxurious. I didn't have a sleeping compartment but the train was a double decker and the seats were big and wide and reclined like the seats in the first class section of a plane (I've seen pictures). They also had a fairly neat dining car in which I imagined I was surrounded by a host of Orient Express murderers. The view could have been better though. Rather than the towering Alps or the French countryside, I had a couple of hundred miles of Arkansas (pronounced 'Arkansaw') swampland to look at.

Not much of a pancakes update to relay this time although I have been savouring the tasty breakfast tacos they have here in Austin. It's a small (yes, small!) omelette looking thing containing whatever ingredients you desire, all wrapped up in a flour tortilla. Wash it down with coffee and a few shots of tequila and you're all set for the day with the breakfast of champions!

Next week, I'm heading west across the deserts of New Mexico, Arizona and California although I'm not quite sure how I'm going to travel yet. I'm sure something will turn up. Before that however, I have six rounds of golf planned over the next four days with Keith and Bob, the guy I stayed with in Detroit, who just flew into town tonight. It's serious stuff with pride, honour, money, beer and perhaps a big shiny trophy at stake. Game on!

Finally, for those of you planning a visit to Disney World sometime in the future, here's something that caught my eye that might be of use. Read in the paper the other day that Christians in South Florida are reacting to the prohibition of prayer in public schools and the proliferation of sex and violence in popular culture by engaging in alternative pursuits such as working out at the newly opened, 'The Lord's Gym'. Bare midriffs and thong leotards are forbidden as are cussing (swearing) and chewing gum (presumably because it's difficult to do both at once) and the walls feature images of Jesus carrying the burden of the cross and Samson breaking free of his chains. I'm curious to find out whether these are workouts than can be re-enacted at The Lord's Gym but the article doesn't say.

Interestingly, there are also alternative Christian theme parks springing up, Lazarus like, including The Holy Land in Orlando. "Red Sea parted ten times a day" and "Buy 5 loaves, get 2 fishes free - it's a bloody miracle!" are how I would attract the non-believers. Anyway, something to think about including in your holiday schedule I'm sure.

Until next time...

Love, Neil x

P.S. Will definitely do Neil's Top Travel Tips For The USA in the next thrilling installment once I've endured the nights in Las Vegas and the days in Death Valley!!!